The Definitive Rugby World Cup Team Guide (Part One)

Last week the flags went up around our office and RWC fever officially started, primarily with the masses standing around trying to figure out which flags represented which country.  As a believer that we can never learn enough about the world around us, may I present the first half of a brief insight into the countries represented in the Rugby World Cup 2011.

Pool A

Canada
Basic Info : This large North American nation of 34.6 million is best known as the smaller (and smarter) brother of the U.S of A.
If you meet a Canadian in the street : You may struggle understanding a Canadian in the street.  This is because they may be speaking French or a strange English dialect in which the term “eh” is used at the end of each sentence.
Chances of Winning : Although hockey is the passion of the majority of native Canadians, the similarities in the two sports (violence and cold weather) should see them take a win or two.
Canadians You May Know : Wayne Gretzky – (Hockey superstar whose big heart in a small body would have made him a perfect halfback). Justin Beiber (Girl band singer and proponent of bad haircuts)

France
Basic Info : Small European Nation with a population of 65.8 million people, half of whom are Englanders filming “A Place In The Sun” style reality programmes for the Living Channel.  Best known to kiwis for blowing up the Rainbow Warrior
If you meet a Frenchman in the street : Duck for cover
Chances of Winning : Almost nil – unless Wayne Barnes referees all their important matches.
French People You May Know : Alain Marfart & Dominique Prieur (Saboteurs), Sébastien Chabal (Rugby player and missing link)

Japan
Basic Info : Asian Island Nation of 128 million people with an industrial focus on high tech industries in which the good ideas of other nations are transformed into actual working products.
If you meet Japanese people  in the street : Be prepared to smile for plenty of photos.
Chances of Winning : A game? Maybe. The Tournament?  Snowballs chance in hell.
Japanese People You May Know : Surprisingly, you may know many of the Japanese squad members competing this year.  They include John Kirwan-san (Auckland Marist), Luke Thompson-san (Kaiapoi), James Arlidge-san (Pakuranga) and Shaun Webb-san (Blenheim).

New Zealand
Basic Info : Consistently proven as not only the greatest rugby country on the planet, but the greatest country full stop. This nation of 4.4 million people and 40 + million sheep is heaven on earth.
If you meet a Kiwi  in the street : Remember to introduce yourself to the trailing sheep and try to discuss the rugby early in the conversation.  Kiwis are notoriously single minded when it comes to rugby and can be found to be ignorant in other areas – particularly foreign cultures.  Kiwi’s tendency to stereotype is legendary.
Chances of Winning : Put the house on it.
Kiwis You May Know : Lord Sir Ayatollah Graham Henry (Greatest coach in any sport – ever), Sir Daniel Carter (Greatest player in any sport – ever), Fred Dagg (Composer of NZ’s national anthem “We Don’t Know How Lucky We Are”)

Tonga
Basic Info : Pacific Island Nation of 100,000 people
If you meet a Tongan in the street : Tongans are easy people to spot on account of the Tongan flags hanging off their cars.  Rest assured the $2 shop has made their millions.  Mentioning Manu Vatuvei should start the conversation nicely.
Chances of Winning : With all Tongan games in the North Island of New Zealand (or the South Island of Tonga as it is often referred to) the Tongans will be looking at the Canadians and Japanese as possibilities for a win.
Tongans You May Know : Manu Vatuvei (League Legend), Paea Wolfgram (Winner of Tongas first Olympic metal), Willie Mason (Twat)

Pool B

Argentina
Basic Info : South American Nation of 40 million horse riders, steak eaters and tango dancers.
If you meet an Argentine in the street : Striking a moment of sobriety amongst Argentina fans is a rare moment indeed and should be treated with respect.  If you encounter them on the other 99.9% of their NZ tour, ensure you know the ole, ole, ole, ole chant back to front.
Chances of Winning : The Argies will surprise a few at this tournament – keep an eye on their first encounter with the Poms to get an idea of how their tournament will proceed.
Argentines You May Know : Diego Maradona (Handball player), Che Guevara (Legendary revolutionary leader or common murderer depending on your political lean)

England
Basic Info : Island nation (not the Pacific type – more the Nordic type) off the coast of Europe.  The majority of the 52 million population enjoy cups of tea, a pint of bitter at’pob, Coronation Street and rioting.
If you meet a Pom in the street : Don’t worry about talking to them – you won’t get a word in edge wise.  Sit quietly and listen to how well they are going to do before chanting “You’re going home in an All Black Ambulance” several times.
Chances of Winning : The Poms are traditionally much better at inventing sports than playing them.  Interesting to note that a full squad of players has been sent to New Zealand despite the team only ever playing ten man rugby.  Take the chances your average Pom thinks they have of winning the RWC and divide it by 10.
Poms You May Know : Johnny Wilkinson (Statue), Queen Elizabeth The Second (Women’s magazine subject and part time cruise ship), David Beckham (Comedian),

Romania
Basic Info : European nation of 24 million people, many of whom (despite general opinion to the contrary) are not vampires.  Also inventors of a brutal petrol-like alcoholic substance that is sure to make my Christmas mornings a misery when our neighbours pop over with a bottle every Christmas Eve.
If you meet a Romanian in the street : Popular opinion suggests most Romanians only come out at night. Commiserate with them on their string of heavy defeats at RWC 2011.  Don’t accept any clear alcoholic substances under any circumstances.
Chances of Winning : Think Tua v Lewis and you’ll be in the ballpark.
Romanians You May Know : Count Dracula (Sesame Street Character)

Georgia
Basic Info : Not the American State apparently.  A sovereign state in the South Caucasus region of Eurasia (thanks Wiki).  Georgia’s 4.7 million inhabitants are best known for being that team at RWC 2011 whose flag no one knows. It is always being invaded by Russia and suffers very cold winters followed by very cold summers.
If you meet a Georgian in the street : Comment on how cold it is in New Zealand at this time of the year and ask if they’d noticed how few times Russia has invaded since the opening ceremony.  If that fails sing them “Georgia on my mind” and run like the wind.
Chances of Winning : Think Cameron v Tua and you’ll be in the ballpark.
Georgians You May Know : Martin Luther King Jr (Politician), The Guy That Invented Coca Cola (Inventor), Hulk Hogan (Actor)

Scotland
Basic Info : That bit on the map above England but coloured in a different colour is the home to 12 million Scots.  The national drink is whiskey and the Laphroig brand is the reason I’m often absent from work on Mondays.
If you meet a Scotsman in the street : Don’t suggest that you go out for a drink – you’ll end up penniless due to the Scots reputation for short arms and deep pockets.
Chances of Winning : Think Tua, Cameron and Lewis v you in a Battle Royal and you’ll be in the ballpark.
Scots You May Know : Mel Gibson (Actor), Billy Connolly (Swearer), Alexander Graham Bell (The bloke that stole the plans for the telephone from an Italian bloke then stole all the fame and fortune for “inventing” said telephone)

On Thursday I’ll introduce you to such rugby powerhouses as Namibia, Russia, USA and Australia.

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