The Definitive Rugby World Cup Team Guide (Part Two)

Last week the flags went up around our office and RWC fever officially started, primarily with the masses standing around trying to figure out which flags represented which country.  As a believer that we can never learn enough about the world around us, may I present the second half of a brief insight into the countries represented in the Rugby World Cup 2011.

Pool C

Australia
Basic Info: Large island off the coast of New Zealand inhabited by 21 million convicts, 2 million New Zealanders and enough deadly animals to ensure any smart Kiwi stays well away.
If you meet an Australian in the street: You have my sympathy.
Chances of Winning: As always the Aussies rate themselves highly coming in to the tournament and are likely going to be the Mighty Mighty All Blacks final victim.
Australians You May Know: John Farnham (Best. Mullet. Ever), Split Enz (NZ Rock Band), Crowded House (NZ Rock Band), Dragon (NZ Rock Band), Phar Lap (NZ Race Horse), Quade Cooper (NZ First-Five), Russell Crowe (Australian Actor)

Ireland
Basic Info: A rare combined team comprising the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland.  These two nations stop blowing each other up for six weeks every four years to compete at the Rugby World Cup.
If you meet Irish people in the street: You’re in for a hell of a few days. Be prepared to drink Guinness 24/7, only stopping to eat steak and Guinness hotpots – with potatoes, potatoes, potatoes.
Chances of Winning: Pool C is probably the weakest of the lot.  Ireland should make the quarters – failure to do so will result in lost Viaduct pub revenues of an estimated 10 million dollars.
Irish People You May Know: Darren Clarke (Golfer, Alcoholic), Colin Farrell (Actor, Alcoholic), Brian O’Driscoll (Rugby Player, “Could’ve doied”)

Italy
Basic Info: Boot shaped south European nation of 61 million inhabitants.  Most Italians argue a lot, sleep with anything that moves and live on the East Coast in an area called Jersey Shore.
If you meet Italians  in the street: Shake hands then fall to the ground grasping your eye, seething in agony.  This will show your guests that you have a good knowledge of Italian soccer.  Females should not approach Italian men under any circumstances.
Chances of Winning: The Azzurri have surprised a few northern journos with the odd victory over six-nations teams in the past.  They may not win but there’s every chance there’ll be a lot of scoring going on.
Italian People You May Know: Luciano Pavarotti (Tenor, Womaniser), Silvio Berlusconi (Prime Minister, Womaniser), Giacomo Cassanova (Womaniser, Womaniser).

Russia
Basic Info: Freaking huge country of 143 million vodka drinkers that used to be part of the freaking huger U.S.S.R. before the Iron Curtain was torn down.  Home of smoking hot but averagely talented tennis players.
If you meet Russians in the street: Ask for a nip of Vodka.  Speak in a deep thundering voice and remove all vowels from the words you are using.
Chances of Winning: Are you serious?
Russians You May Know: Maria Sharapova (The New Anna Kournikova), Anna Kournakova (The Old Maria Sharapova), Dasha Astafieva (Playboy Playmate), Nikita (That chick from the Elton John song that will never know anything about his home), Sergey Brin (Really, really rich),

United States of America
Basic Info: Large North American country and self proclaimed centre of the universe, land of the free and home of the brave. None of which is true.  The average IQ of Americans is amongst the lowest in the developed world with one group in particular dragging the average down.  These people are known as Republicans.
If you meet Americans in the street: Speak slowly.  The Americans have no idea what English is.
Chances of Winning: Significantly better than their chances in Iraq, Afghanistan, Vietnam, Korea or most of Central America but still less than .01%.
Americans You May Know: George W Bush (Terrorist), Justin Timberlake (Talent yet to be discovered – but famous all the same), Larry Page (Really, really rich)

Pool D

Fiji
Basic Info: Melanesian Island nation of 850,000 people ruled over by whichever army leader was involved in the last monthly military coup.  Home of the world’s worst beer “Fiji Bitter” and one of the best rugby sevens teams you’ll ever see.
If you meet Fijians in the street: STAY. AWAY. FROM. THE. KAVA.
Chances of Winning: With 8 blokes on the field that have no idea why they are there, probably not very much at all.
Fijians You May Know: Joeli Vidiri (All Black Winger), Sitiveni Sivivatu (All Black Winger), Josevata Rokocoko (All Black Winger)

Namibia
Basic Info: African country north of South Africa (unsurprisingly) of just over 2 million people.  They have several deserts and a good women’s roller hockey team. (Thanks Wiki)
If you meet Namibians in the street: You’re probably not going to have much in common.  I’ve researched thoroughly on Wiki and am yet to find anything interesting.
Chances of Winning: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha <breathes> hahahahahahahahahaha
Namibians You May Know: Percy Montgomery (Springbok fullback and pretty boy)  – Namibian – who would have thunk it?

Samoa
Basic Info: Pacific Island Nation of 179,000 people who live in paradise.  Samoa consists of 8 smaller islets and the three main islands of Upolu, Savai’I and Te Ika-a-Māui.
If you meet Samoans in the street: STAY. AWAY. FROM. THE. KAVA.
Chances of Winning: A realistic chance of toppling Wales for the second quarter final spot… a result that will send most of Auckland into a 7 day party.
Samoans You May Know: David Tua (O for Owsome), Peter Fatialofa (Piano Mover), Olo Brown (All Black prop that my cat is named after)

South Africa
Basic Info: Nation of 51 million people located in Africa’s South.  Home of the great culinary delight known as Boerewors (like NZ sausages but made of meat).  New Zealand’s traditional rugby arch-rival (unless they beat us in which case all that matters is The Bledisloe Cup)
If you meet South Africans in the street: You are probably in Albany.
Chances of Winning: Probably the second favourites behind the Mighty Mighty All Blacks – therefore no chance at all.
South Africans You May Know: Suzie (Waitress), Pieter de Villiers (Comedian), Joel Stransky (Dream Crusher)

Wales
Basic Info: Country of 3 million leek eating, rugby loving coal miners who hate the English.  Wales is not dissimilar to New Zealand in many ways.  All Welsh men are named either Ian, Gareth, David or Thomas and have the last name Jones, Williams, Thomas or Evans.  Beware of imitators.
If you meet Welsh People in the street: Try to induce phlegm whilst saying Prynhawn da, Pob dymuniad da. The Welsh language is less about the pronunciation and more about the amount of spit produced.
Chances of Winning: Absolutely no chance – but don’t tell the Welsh – they don’t realise it yet.
Welsh People You May Know: Bonnie Tyler (80s rock chick), Tom Jones (Underwear Model)

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• The Definitive Rugby World Cup Team Guide (mikecatty.wordpress.com)

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