Jo and I will be spending the next four weeks backpacking through Vietnam and Cambodia and I’ll be keeping a travel blog at http://mikeandjo.wordpress.com.

The usual insightful unbiased sporting commentary you’ve come to expect from this blog will return in December.

May I refer you to a few of the pieces that may have been misunderstood

August 11th 2011 – “Cooper choked in a manner not seen since last time Stephen Donald took the field for the Mighty Mighty ABs.”

June 13th 2011 – “Stephen Donald whose rugby game is so stink he’s signed up for Bath”

September 22nd 2009 – “Mad props also go to Sir Graham who saw the light and kept Stephen Donald as far away from the action as was humanly possible for all eighty minutes. Donald’s absence being most notable in the post match statistics – zero defensive bombs and zero occasions where players fell for their own dummy passes.”

Whilst I admit that the untrained reader, these may appear to be scathing comments about The Beaver, this could not be further from the truth.  I’m simply stunned that my sense of humour appears to have been lost on small of my small and ever decreasing audience.  In fact, as recently as last week I wrote “I believed that even Stephen Donald was a better first-five than the Tokoroa Turnstyle Quade Cooper.”  That’s praise of the highest order and clear proof that I already had Beaver Fever.

I’m pleased we’ve got that cleared up then.  On to the good stuff…

We have done it folks.  We are finally the official best team on the planet, probably in the entire universe.  We even invited the ‘Bukkks this time so there’ll be no asterix beside this one in the record books.

Half a bottle of Laphroaig, two Jager bombs and three Epic Hop Zombies in the prematch were not enough to remove my nerves leading up to the biggest game in All Black history.  I was so nervous that I had to leave the room for parts of the match.  It was only the roar of the gathered Man Room crowd that assured me that my good buddy Steve had managed to kick the penalty that shall be henceforth known as the Immaculate Redemption.

I’m not going to pretend it was pretty.  The Mighty Mighty All Blacks saved their worst for last, although that is probably not being fair to the French who put up the sort of passionate defence that has not been seen since well before World War II.  The backline was often on the back foot and looked almost as lost for good ideas as a Phil Goff election speech.  I think the last time I saw the backline that disjointed was at Cardiff four years ago and I’m not keen to send this piece back in that direction.

The main thing – the only thing that matters, is that we got there.

Arise Sir Richie… Arise Sir Ted

Allez les Noir!

I believed the All Blacks were the best team in the comp – certainly the only unbeaten team. I believed that even Stephen Donald was a better first-five than the Tokoroa Turnstyle Quade Cooper. I believed that Lord Sir Ayatollah Graham Henry is the greatest coach in the history of any sport ever and I believed that Robbie Deans couldn’t coach his way out of a paper bag.

I’d been there before though.

In 1991 the squad was a little weaker than I would have liked, but we are the Mighty Mighty All Blacks so I believed. I’d believed we were the better team in 1995 when Joel Stransky’s droppy sailed between the uprights. I’d believed that a half time buffer of 14 points would be enough to secure a victory over the French in 1999. I’d believed that (although not at our best) we’d stroll past the out of form Wallabies in 2003. I still believe that bloody pass was forward at Cardiff in 2007.

Belief and actuality are often independent events but last night at The Garden of Eden it all came together. This was, for mine, the single most complete performance by a M.M.A.B team since Saint Daniel’s perfect game against the Lions in 2005.

The match started with a Cooper blooper as the Aussie kick off sailed over the touch line, setting up a dominant MMAB scrum that led to a perfect Weepu kick for touch. Everything was working out the way we’d hoped – the MMABs were on it from the get-go.

The only try of the match came not long after with a sublime Israel Dagg tippy-toe sideline performance that would have made Sammy Davis Jnr look on admiringly. The perfectly timed offload to a charging Ma’a Nonu left the Australian defence without any way to stop him and the entire nation of New Zealand let out a sigh of relief.

Much had been made of David Pocock’s outstanding (if not entirely legal) performance against the Boks last weekend. Whilst Bryce Lawrence came under scrutiny for his policing of the breakdown in the quarter finals, I thought he was, at the very least, non-partial and it’s every good flankers job to push the referee’s limits. Referee Joubert, on the other hand stamped his authority early and two penalties against Pocock set the bar nicely. A bar that Richie McCaw was aware of, and used to the MMABs advantage not long after. The play of the game, the one moment that seems to have been over looked was the McCaw penalty after the Aussies made their first foray into black territory. Our defence was stretched, the Aussies were all over our line. McCaw simply went off his feet, played the ball and stared at the referee. He might as well have said “penalise me”. Joubert obliged and an almost certain seven points was reduced to three. You just can’t buy experience like that. Kids take note – cheating sometimes pays.

I believe we had the game won at that point.

Other standouts for the MMABs included Piri Weepu, who has not only stood up and taken over Saint Dan’s backline management role but appears to think of himself as another loose forward as well. The back three – Jane in particular, were near perfect under the flurry of high balls that seemed to be the beginning, middle and end of the Wallaby game plan. Aaron Cruden was not only making good decisions on attack but was tackling as though his life depended on it. I saw somewhere the perfect summary of Cruden’s game using the just the letters of his name: Cater Ruled Unfit? Didn’t Even Notice.

The Wallabies remained hamstrung by their first-five but showed enough on attack in parts of the game to suggest a comeback was possible but poor handling let them down at key moments. They missed Beale who could easily have made a difference to the backline attack.

I believe the French team won’t offer too much opposition next week.

I believe our lads are on the verge of a moment I have waited far too long for.

But this time I believe that the MMABs believe… and that’s a force that no team in the world can overcome.

I cannot claim that the following is an accurate account of the Rugby World Cup so far. It is an accurate account of my recollections of said event – blurred somewhat by more beer than any person should have to consume in a relatively short period of time and distorted by the sorts of extreme fatigue only usually encountered by sportsmen of a far higher calibre than myself.

Pool A
It’s fitting that we start with a pool completely dominated by the Mighty Mighty All Blacks, however that is not really where the interest lay. Whilst our lads were always going to dominate, Pool A almost certainly had the strongest “also rans” in the tournament. The Tongans will be ruing their 20-25 loss to Canada up at Going Stadium and saved their best for last in defeating the Frenchies in the game of the pool at the Caketin. The Tongan fans deserve a special mention for their passionate supporting of their team. Not only did they bring colour and atmosphere to the tournament but I wouldn’t mind betting that they kept a few $2 shops in business while they were at it. Japan were the disappointment of the pool but JK’s lads – some of whom were Japanese – had their moments. James Arlidge is a bloke the M.M.A.B’s would probably be happy to have on their bench right now. As expected, the M.M.A.B’s emerged triumphant from the pool with no real worries (at least on the field) throughout their matches.

Best Pool A Moment – The Tongan front row taunting the dejected French when they called a scrum with time up on the clock. Sona Taumalolo is my hero.

Pool B
I’m not going to devote many column inches to Pool B as, frankly, I’ve seen more exciting games of rugby played by the ‘Rewa Hard Pressies XV. The Poms only just managed to get ahead of the pack after a close first up encounter with the Argies and needed to cheat against Romania by changing balls so Johnny Wilkinson could kick penalties (more on that later). On that same opening weekend, the Romanians were looking like pulling off the biggest upset in R.W.C. history and only lost to Scotland in the last minutes of their encounter. Georgia were never in the hunt – partially because they only have 750 registered adult rugby players and partially because it appears the selection staff only allowed players whose names ended in ***vili and ***adze. Scotland were awful and deserved to go home.

Best Pool B Moment – The Mighty Mighty Argies getting up over Scotland at the last moment and scoring one of the only tries in Pool B play.

Pool C
I think I’m 1/8th Irish – but I have a family history not dissimilar to Shane Howarth so who really knows. I know I like Guinness so that’s good enough for me. The much anticipated Ireland v Dirty Filthy Cheating Australia game did not fail to live up to the hype but even the staunchest of Irish fans would not have expected the result. Not only did Ireland win, but they showed a dominance in the forwards that no one was expecting. The result of this match not only confirmed that Ireland is every Kiwi’s new second team but also resulted in the knockout phase of RWC 2011 will becoming a North v South affair. I’m not sure I’m to happy about that yet but time will tell. Italy, Russia and the Yanks were all average and the only real highlight was so many Russian supporters turning out in New Plymouth – a direct result of the popularity of Russian bride websites in the ‘Naki.

Best Pool C Moment – No question at all – Ireland sending the D.F.C. Wallabies home from the Garden of Eden with their tails between their legs.

Pool D
The so-called “Pool of Death” went right down to the wire with Samoa almost getting out of pool play – their attempts only foiled by Dirty Filthy Cheating South Africa’s secret weapon Nigel Owens (more later). This came hot on the heels of the Welsh penalty-that-wasn’t and, had some calls gone the other way, P-Divvy and his team could well have been landing in JoBurg as I write this. Fiji and Namibia were never really in the running and anyone unlucky enough to have tickets to the Fiji v Samoa game (including myself) would have to admit that if Fiji have ever had glory days, they are well over now. Samoa put up a good effort against the Leek Eaters at Dairy Farmers Stadium but after only a few days rest from their previous encounter were unfortunate to be beaten 17-10. I think in the end the best two teams from this pool have advanced, but the Samoans have earned huge respect from rugby fans worldwide.

Best Pool D Moment – Samoa leading Wales at the half. I had no idea the ‘Tron was hiding so many white Samoans amongst their population.

Other Stuff (In Brief)

Referees
It’s no surprise that, once again, the Northern Hemisphere referees are struggling to keep up with the pace of the games. Look no further than Nigel Owen’s crucial decision against Samoa for failure to release the ball when the player wasn’t tackled in the South Africa game for proof. I completely agree with Nigel Owen’s assertion that he is “No racist or cheat” – No sir – you’re just bloody awful. In other referee news, Wayne Barnes does not appear to have improved in the last four years.

The IRB
Give yourself an upper cut IRB.
Your handling of the tournament schedule is just the start. England cheat and use a different ball – 2 waterboys get a few weeks rest. A player from a tier two nation wears the wrong mouthguard – $10,000 fine. You’re now asking players to run bible quotes past you before they are written their wrist strapping.
This. Is. Overkill.
Grow up and be aware of who you are alienating. You won’t be the first sporting organisation to be taken over by media moguls if you continue dictating terms in this way.

Best RWC Tweets so far:

RT @Sportzfreak – Best part of last night’s opening ceremony was the Cantab kid cheating to score a try.

RT @RaybonKan – The IRB: on the scale of popularity, they seem to sit somewhere between the IRA and the IRD.

RT @redcantab – Nigel Owens’ Twitter profile (@Nigelrefowens ) says he does a bit of stand up comedy. Oh, so THAT’S what he’s doing out there.

RT @russiarugby – Good multi phase attack shows Russia’s best play of the tournament, but it ends in a rare event of Wayne Barnes spotting a forward pass

RT @chowda_head – Murray McCully just announced he will take over as coach for #Aus after tonights loss

RT @RWC2011_stats – Total number of disparaging tweets about referee Barnes now at 3,000,000 mark.

RT @hopetimothy – The funeral for Dan Carter will be held on Hyperbole Lane near the TV3 News headquarters.

and – one from me… just to keep the M.M.A.B’s on their toes

RT @MikeCatty – ABs brilliant, Oz and SA well below their best, England awful but doing enough to win. I’ve seen this before. In 1991-95-99-2003 & 2007.

Take, for example, the transport chaos at the Opening Ceremony of RWC2011… can we #BlameBarnes ?

But he didn’t stop there – later that day the NZ Herald the IRB top dog Mike Miller was almost denied access to Eden Park

And just to top off a quality first week of wrecking shit, the pic below has recently come into the public domain.  The fire in Wellington this afternoon… you’ve got it – #BlameBarnes

It wont give the Mighty Mighty All Blacks the 2007 RWC.  It won’t help Wales’ chances in this years comp.  But it makes explaining stuff so much easier when you #BlameBarnes.

Pool C

Australia
Basic Info: Large island off the coast of New Zealand inhabited by 21 million convicts, 2 million New Zealanders and enough deadly animals to ensure any smart Kiwi stays well away.
If you meet an Australian in the street: You have my sympathy.
Chances of Winning: As always the Aussies rate themselves highly coming in to the tournament and are likely going to be the Mighty Mighty All Blacks final victim.
Australians You May Know: John Farnham (Best. Mullet. Ever), Split Enz (NZ Rock Band), Crowded House (NZ Rock Band), Dragon (NZ Rock Band), Phar Lap (NZ Race Horse), Quade Cooper (NZ First-Five), Russell Crowe (Australian Actor)

Ireland
Basic Info: A rare combined team comprising the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland.  These two nations stop blowing each other up for six weeks every four years to compete at the Rugby World Cup.
If you meet Irish people in the street: You’re in for a hell of a few days. Be prepared to drink Guinness 24/7, only stopping to eat steak and Guinness hotpots – with potatoes, potatoes, potatoes.
Chances of Winning: Pool C is probably the weakest of the lot.  Ireland should make the quarters – failure to do so will result in lost Viaduct pub revenues of an estimated 10 million dollars.
Irish People You May Know: Darren Clarke (Golfer, Alcoholic), Colin Farrell (Actor, Alcoholic), Brian O’Driscoll (Rugby Player, “Could’ve doied”)

Italy
Basic Info: Boot shaped south European nation of 61 million inhabitants.  Most Italians argue a lot, sleep with anything that moves and live on the East Coast in an area called Jersey Shore.
If you meet Italians  in the street: Shake hands then fall to the ground grasping your eye, seething in agony.  This will show your guests that you have a good knowledge of Italian soccer.  Females should not approach Italian men under any circumstances.
Chances of Winning: The Azzurri have surprised a few northern journos with the odd victory over six-nations teams in the past.  They may not win but there’s every chance there’ll be a lot of scoring going on.
Italian People You May Know: Luciano Pavarotti (Tenor, Womaniser), Silvio Berlusconi (Prime Minister, Womaniser), Giacomo Cassanova (Womaniser, Womaniser).

Russia
Basic Info: Freaking huge country of 143 million vodka drinkers that used to be part of the freaking huger U.S.S.R. before the Iron Curtain was torn down.  Home of smoking hot but averagely talented tennis players.
If you meet Russians in the street: Ask for a nip of Vodka.  Speak in a deep thundering voice and remove all vowels from the words you are using.
Chances of Winning: Are you serious?
Russians You May Know: Maria Sharapova (The New Anna Kournikova), Anna Kournakova (The Old Maria Sharapova), Dasha Astafieva (Playboy Playmate), Nikita (That chick from the Elton John song that will never know anything about his home), Sergey Brin (Really, really rich),

United States of America
Basic Info: Large North American country and self proclaimed centre of the universe, land of the free and home of the brave. None of which is true.  The average IQ of Americans is amongst the lowest in the developed world with one group in particular dragging the average down.  These people are known as Republicans.
If you meet Americans in the street: Speak slowly.  The Americans have no idea what English is.
Chances of Winning: Significantly better than their chances in Iraq, Afghanistan, Vietnam, Korea or most of Central America but still less than .01%.
Americans You May Know: George W Bush (Terrorist), Justin Timberlake (Talent yet to be discovered – but famous all the same), Larry Page (Really, really rich)

Pool D

Fiji
Basic Info: Melanesian Island nation of 850,000 people ruled over by whichever army leader was involved in the last monthly military coup.  Home of the world’s worst beer “Fiji Bitter” and one of the best rugby sevens teams you’ll ever see.
If you meet Fijians in the street: STAY. AWAY. FROM. THE. KAVA.
Chances of Winning: With 8 blokes on the field that have no idea why they are there, probably not very much at all.
Fijians You May Know: Joeli Vidiri (All Black Winger), Sitiveni Sivivatu (All Black Winger), Josevata Rokocoko (All Black Winger)

Namibia
Basic Info: African country north of South Africa (unsurprisingly) of just over 2 million people.  They have several deserts and a good women’s roller hockey team. (Thanks Wiki)
If you meet Namibians in the street: You’re probably not going to have much in common.  I’ve researched thoroughly on Wiki and am yet to find anything interesting.
Chances of Winning: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha <breathes> hahahahahahahahahaha
Namibians You May Know: Percy Montgomery (Springbok fullback and pretty boy)  – Namibian – who would have thunk it?

Samoa
Basic Info: Pacific Island Nation of 179,000 people who live in paradise.  Samoa consists of 8 smaller islets and the three main islands of Upolu, Savai’I and Te Ika-a-Māui.
If you meet Samoans in the street: STAY. AWAY. FROM. THE. KAVA.
Chances of Winning: A realistic chance of toppling Wales for the second quarter final spot… a result that will send most of Auckland into a 7 day party.
Samoans You May Know: David Tua (O for Owsome), Peter Fatialofa (Piano Mover), Olo Brown (All Black prop that my cat is named after)

South Africa
Basic Info: Nation of 51 million people located in Africa’s South.  Home of the great culinary delight known as Boerewors (like NZ sausages but made of meat).  New Zealand’s traditional rugby arch-rival (unless they beat us in which case all that matters is The Bledisloe Cup)
If you meet South Africans in the street: You are probably in Albany.
Chances of Winning: Probably the second favourites behind the Mighty Mighty All Blacks – therefore no chance at all.
South Africans You May Know: Suzie (Waitress), Pieter de Villiers (Comedian), Joel Stransky (Dream Crusher)

Wales
Basic Info: Country of 3 million leek eating, rugby loving coal miners who hate the English.  Wales is not dissimilar to New Zealand in many ways.  All Welsh men are named either Ian, Gareth, David or Thomas and have the last name Jones, Williams, Thomas or Evans.  Beware of imitators.
If you meet Welsh People in the street: Try to induce phlegm whilst saying Prynhawn da, Pob dymuniad da. The Welsh language is less about the pronunciation and more about the amount of spit produced.
Chances of Winning: Absolutely no chance – but don’t tell the Welsh – they don’t realise it yet.
Welsh People You May Know: Bonnie Tyler (80s rock chick), Tom Jones (Underwear Model)

Related articles

• The Definitive Rugby World Cup Team Guide (mikecatty.wordpress.com)

Pool A

Canada
Basic Info : This large North American nation of 34.6 million is best known as the smaller (and smarter) brother of the U.S of A.
If you meet a Canadian in the street : You may struggle understanding a Canadian in the street.  This is because they may be speaking French or a strange English dialect in which the term “eh” is used at the end of each sentence.
Chances of Winning : Although hockey is the passion of the majority of native Canadians, the similarities in the two sports (violence and cold weather) should see them take a win or two.
Canadians You May Know : Wayne Gretzky – (Hockey superstar whose big heart in a small body would have made him a perfect halfback). Justin Beiber (Girl band singer and proponent of bad haircuts)

France
Basic Info : Small European Nation with a population of 65.8 million people, half of whom are Englanders filming “A Place In The Sun” style reality programmes for the Living Channel.  Best known to kiwis for blowing up the Rainbow Warrior
If you meet a Frenchman in the street : Duck for cover
Chances of Winning : Almost nil – unless Wayne Barnes referees all their important matches.
French People You May Know : Alain Marfart & Dominique Prieur (Saboteurs), Sébastien Chabal (Rugby player and missing link)

Japan
Basic Info : Asian Island Nation of 128 million people with an industrial focus on high tech industries in which the good ideas of other nations are transformed into actual working products.
If you meet Japanese people  in the street : Be prepared to smile for plenty of photos.
Chances of Winning : A game? Maybe. The Tournament?  Snowballs chance in hell.
Japanese People You May Know : Surprisingly, you may know many of the Japanese squad members competing this year.  They include John Kirwan-san (Auckland Marist), Luke Thompson-san (Kaiapoi), James Arlidge-san (Pakuranga) and Shaun Webb-san (Blenheim).

New Zealand
Basic Info : Consistently proven as not only the greatest rugby country on the planet, but the greatest country full stop. This nation of 4.4 million people and 40 + million sheep is heaven on earth.
If you meet a Kiwi  in the street : Remember to introduce yourself to the trailing sheep and try to discuss the rugby early in the conversation.  Kiwis are notoriously single minded when it comes to rugby and can be found to be ignorant in other areas – particularly foreign cultures.  Kiwi’s tendency to stereotype is legendary.
Chances of Winning : Put the house on it.
Kiwis You May Know : Lord Sir Ayatollah Graham Henry (Greatest coach in any sport – ever), Sir Daniel Carter (Greatest player in any sport – ever), Fred Dagg (Composer of NZ’s national anthem “We Don’t Know How Lucky We Are”)

Tonga
Basic Info : Pacific Island Nation of 100,000 people
If you meet a Tongan in the street : Tongans are easy people to spot on account of the Tongan flags hanging off their cars.  Rest assured the $2 shop has made their millions.  Mentioning Manu Vatuvei should start the conversation nicely.
Chances of Winning : With all Tongan games in the North Island of New Zealand (or the South Island of Tonga as it is often referred to) the Tongans will be looking at the Canadians and Japanese as possibilities for a win.
Tongans You May Know : Manu Vatuvei (League Legend), Paea Wolfgram (Winner of Tongas first Olympic metal), Willie Mason (Twat)

Pool B

Argentina
Basic Info : South American Nation of 40 million horse riders, steak eaters and tango dancers.
If you meet an Argentine in the street : Striking a moment of sobriety amongst Argentina fans is a rare moment indeed and should be treated with respect.  If you encounter them on the other 99.9% of their NZ tour, ensure you know the ole, ole, ole, ole chant back to front.
Chances of Winning : The Argies will surprise a few at this tournament – keep an eye on their first encounter with the Poms to get an idea of how their tournament will proceed.
Argentines You May Know : Diego Maradona (Handball player), Che Guevara (Legendary revolutionary leader or common murderer depending on your political lean)

England
Basic Info : Island nation (not the Pacific type – more the Nordic type) off the coast of Europe.  The majority of the 52 million population enjoy cups of tea, a pint of bitter at’pob, Coronation Street and rioting.
If you meet a Pom in the street : Don’t worry about talking to them – you won’t get a word in edge wise.  Sit quietly and listen to how well they are going to do before chanting “You’re going home in an All Black Ambulance” several times.
Chances of Winning : The Poms are traditionally much better at inventing sports than playing them.  Interesting to note that a full squad of players has been sent to New Zealand despite the team only ever playing ten man rugby.  Take the chances your average Pom thinks they have of winning the RWC and divide it by 10.
Poms You May Know : Johnny Wilkinson (Statue), Queen Elizabeth The Second (Women’s magazine subject and part time cruise ship), David Beckham (Comedian),

Romania
Basic Info : European nation of 24 million people, many of whom (despite general opinion to the contrary) are not vampires.  Also inventors of a brutal petrol-like alcoholic substance that is sure to make my Christmas mornings a misery when our neighbours pop over with a bottle every Christmas Eve.
If you meet a Romanian in the street : Popular opinion suggests most Romanians only come out at night. Commiserate with them on their string of heavy defeats at RWC 2011.  Don’t accept any clear alcoholic substances under any circumstances.
Chances of Winning : Think Tua v Lewis and you’ll be in the ballpark.
Romanians You May Know : Count Dracula (Sesame Street Character)

Georgia
Basic Info : Not the American State apparently.  A sovereign state in the South Caucasus region of Eurasia (thanks Wiki).  Georgia’s 4.7 million inhabitants are best known for being that team at RWC 2011 whose flag no one knows. It is always being invaded by Russia and suffers very cold winters followed by very cold summers.
If you meet a Georgian in the street : Comment on how cold it is in New Zealand at this time of the year and ask if they’d noticed how few times Russia has invaded since the opening ceremony.  If that fails sing them “Georgia on my mind” and run like the wind.
Chances of Winning : Think Cameron v Tua and you’ll be in the ballpark.
Georgians You May Know : Martin Luther King Jr (Politician), The Guy That Invented Coca Cola (Inventor), Hulk Hogan (Actor)

Scotland
Basic Info : That bit on the map above England but coloured in a different colour is the home to 12 million Scots.  The national drink is whiskey and the Laphroig brand is the reason I’m often absent from work on Mondays.
If you meet a Scotsman in the street : Don’t suggest that you go out for a drink – you’ll end up penniless due to the Scots reputation for short arms and deep pockets.
Chances of Winning : Think Tua, Cameron and Lewis v you in a Battle Royal and you’ll be in the ballpark.
Scots You May Know : Mel Gibson (Actor), Billy Connolly (Swearer), Alexander Graham Bell (The bloke that stole the plans for the telephone from an Italian bloke then stole all the fame and fortune for “inventing” said telephone)

On Thursday I’ll introduce you to such rugby powerhouses as Namibia, Russia, USA and Australia.

Related articles

• The Definitive Rugby World Cup Team Guide (Part Two) (mikecatty.wordpress.com)

The flock flocked to the airport (for that is what flocks do – they flock) to welcome the Lord and his followers to the Promised Land. The Mighty Mighty All Blacks were followed religiously in Port Elizabeth and the promise of almost a home game against the forces of the Dirty Filthy Cheating Springbukkks was positive.

Alas, the green and yellow demon was prepared for the confrontation having learned to play the divine sport by watching the Northern Tribes of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland. The demon tooketh away the MMABs ball and kickethed it into touch.

The forces of good rallied as one divine 15 man unit against the 10 man demon and the followers at home – tired for they were awaken at 3am – stoodeth in front of their TVs and chorused in support. The MMABs rallied and fought the good fight but the beast stood strong and defended with a determination that the Evil de Villiers doubtless had nothing to do with.

Alas, in this cruel world the good doth not always winneth. The dragon slayeth the MMABs and the tribe retreated to Godzone with their tails between their legs.

But Lord Sir Ayatollah Graham Henry was known throughout the Rugby Universe as a man of great wisdom – who is very wise (for wisdom is what defines wise men). He was aware that the only way the forces of good could be defeated would be by kickething for touch and making the good play at the wrong end. So he plannethed a counter plan.

And ye, the MMAB team for the RWC was announced. It includethed the 12 disciples left behind from the Battle of Port Elizabeth, especially one Saint Daniel of Christchurch. Saints Sivi, Messam and Gear were cast asunder for casualties were inevitable. The forces of good went unbeaten throughout the tournament and order was restored to the universe.   The disciples’ dranketh from the Webb Ellis Cup and the tribes of GodZone dranketh from any vessels available unto them (for that is what Godzoners doth best).

And the lesson endeth thus. Whilst the evil forces may winneth the battle, only the good and true can winneth the war.

Mighty Mighty A.B’s for the Cup.

Yours truly was looking forward to seeing the Cooper v Carter battle in the 10 jerseys and I was particularly upset that it failed to materialise. Mighty Mighty Dan Carter (no relation to Dirty Filthy Cheating Dan Carter who plays for Canterbury) was at his sensational best, defending All Black turf like a Tottenham shop owner and directing the backline with ease. In stark contrast, Cooper appeared too scared to take the ball to the line himself, electing to pass before drawing his man and at one point throwing a hospital backflick behind his own goal line. Cooper choked in a manner not seen since last time Stephen Donald took the field for the Mighty Mighty ABs.

Aussie fans will point to a short portion of the second half in which the D.F.C. Wallabies seemed to have a little bit of backline dominance – and they’d be right. I’m a huge fan of Lord Sir Ayatollah Graham Henry but his decision to put Slade into the backline just to show off how bloody good the MMABs are was perhaps just a bit too smug. Slade is good but he’s a number 10 only.

I could wax lyrical for much longer but we’ve got a long road ahead and I can’t afford to run out of clichés this early in such an important season.

On a (kinda) serious note

The only other news worth a comment has been the PR train wreck surrounding the price of the Mighty Mighty All Blacks jerseys. Admittedly Adidas have not handled themselves at all well throughout, but I find myself a little torn over the whole issue.

In a free market companies can set their price at any level they want to and it’s left to the consumer to decide whether they’d rather have the money or the jersey. In the same free market Sky TV and Adidas deal with the NZRU to negotiate a price for sponsorship – the very money that almost certainly kept Carter and McCaw in New Zealand for a few more years. The best way to show that the MMAB jersey is overpriced is not to purchase it, but I fear the possibility of biting the hand that feeds. The talkback, print, TV and social media have been, for mine, a little over the top. I’m a fairly simple person (not rugby league simple – but you know what I mean) and I can’t help but wonder if I can’t simplify the whole thing into 8 words.

No Adidas – No Carter – No McCaw – Your Choice.

I can’t put my finger on why – after all I’m a born and bred Aucklander. I remember that two year old kid at the NPC match up a few years back with the sign that read “I Hate Auckland”. I remember the complaints when the Village of the Damned was asked to chip in for Auckland’s road network. I remember the game when D.F.C. Canterbury was getting destroyed in the forwards and the hooker faked an injury to get golden oldies scrums.

On Saturday night I briefly forgot all that. After what the Crusaders have been though recently; after the resolve and determination that the team showed throughout the competition this year; after everything that built up to that moment in Brisbane. I actually wanted to see McCaw hold the trophy aloft.

But mainly I wanted to shut those Dirty Filthy Cheating Aussies up for a while.

Alas the result was not to be. Despite winning the battle up front, the pace of the game was more suited to the Reds’ backline and their victory was deserved – if not popular on this side of the Tasman. Will Genia’s try was as good an individual effort as you’ll see this year and Digby Ioane was his usual self – being both the worst and best player on the field in alternating 10 second segments. D.F.C. Dan Carter had his moments and scored another individual try that probably defined his one-on-one victory against Quade Cooper. But one man doeth not a team make. McCaw was missing in large chunks and the under-touted Reds forwards managed to steal too much contestable ball at the breakdown. Corey Flynn had a ‘mare feeding the lineout – if he aimed for the ground he’d probably have missed and the loss off possession kept the D.F.C. Crusaders busier defending their line than Charlie Sheen.

On the bright side – the second place finish should ensure the Crusaders the Team of the Year award at this years Halbergs.

But enough about the pre-season – the real rugby’s about to start.

The ITM Cup is where the proper rugby is played.  Astute investors take note.

Thursday nights game between Taaaaa Gooooo and Haaaar Boooour should have all the appeal of that mucky stuff you accumulate under your fingernails. Both teams would consider a mid-table finish a success and there’s not much point donating any funds to the TAB on this game as you’d need to watch it to find out whether your horse comes in or not. No matter what the returns, that’s just a waste of time.

Southland had some good results last season on the back of the most boring rugby this correspondent has ever seen. I expect more of the same this season so put the kids piggy bank on the Stags to get up over the Mooloos at Shadbolt Arena.

In the Friday and Saturday games I reckon the ‘Pies will smash the Palmy Army, Northland will account for Tasman comfortably and The Naki will use home advantage to the full to beat the Lions at the Bull Ring. A multi in this should give a nice payback for your investment of that money you had aside for the electricity bill. Now that’s how you save money on power.

The big game is Dirty Filthy Cheating Canterbury v Mighty Mighty Auckland at Eden Park on Friday. The Super XV scheduled this game far too early and unfortunately the ITM Cup has made the same error. This won’t stop the Mighty Mighty Auckland boys from destroying their southern enemy by somewhere between 10 and 15 points. Put your winnings from the bets above on it, along with that secret account that the missus doesn’t know about.. it’s a gimme.

If you’re looking for a potential tight one I like the chances of Counties Manukau getting up over the Bay of Plenty. My allegiance to the Mighty Mighty ‘Rewa (Hard) Pressies may have clouded my call on this one so just put a few hundy on it.

In other sports news there was a game of netball last night. The result should ensure the Silver Ferns the Team of the Year award at this years Halbergs.